Taking Responsibility

The first time I considered I had a drinking problem was around age 14 when I blacked out an entire day the summer before Sophmore year. From there my drinking escalated to drinking almost everyday at school until my mom withdrew me and forced me to homeschool because she was worried about how out of control I had gotten. She assumed I was on drugs but at that point I wasn’t but really probably behaving just as bad. 

From 14-18, my drinking would consist of benders where I wouldn’t be able to deal with what I had done or what had happened to me from the night before, that I would just keep drinking for days. Until I ran out of money. On these benders I would stop showing up for work. Stop coming home. Not shower. Live out of my car. You’d think... what would compel someone to live this way? 

I had extreme anxiety from an early age and I didn’t learn coping mechanisms to deal with social situations or problems. I had super low self esteem because of the situations I had put myself in by drinking. I allowed awful, awful things to happen to me. I self injured as a kid and this seemed like another way to hurt myself for being such a worthless loser.  

I was really bad off until my carjacking experience. That kind of woke me up for a while. But within a year I was back to drinking again. New friends though that were nicer to me, that didn’t know my past. After that I’ve just had stints of sobriety, followed by stints of drinking. After having my son, I’ve really tried to keep myself in check. 

But that’s the thing about alcoholism. You don’t really have control over it. Especially if you’re prone to blacking out pretty quickly or at all. Like it’s a flip of the coin. I already have a hard time making friends and being close to people so putting a label like that on yourself seems even more damning. 

I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want to hurt other people. I want to be a good mother and a good friend. And I can’t if I continue drinking. I can’t rationalize my behavior anymore because I don’t want it to be true. And it’s no one else’s responsibility to keep me in check and I don’t think that it’s actually possible either.  

Im afraid of this post disappointing those closest to me because I haven’t been honest about my drinking to everyone. But I pride myself on being transparent. And maybe it will help someone else.