While the year as a whole doesn’t come as a surprise in retrospect, it has been one full of turmoil and closure. When your life evolves and grows and you’re still hanging onto thoughts and identities of the past, there will be a collision and for my ego, it didn’t go the way I had wanted. I think since June I’ve been pretty shut off. My problems only got worse but my coping mechanisms disappeared much to my dismay. I kept trying to force people and situations into being what I felt I needed at that time only to expose my desperation to escape my reality.
I hadnt really had a life plan for life beyond 25. I kept just taking the results of my destructive behavior as they came for the last five years. I loved the ability to destroy everything and start over when I was younger but I couldn’t do that anymore. There were suddenly consequences to everything that you couldn’t undo anymore. I felt trapped and alone in my prison. Then guilt for considering a life others would be grateful for ... undesirable to myself. I didn’t know how to maintain a job, relationships, and mental health. I’ve always just been trying to survive to get from day to day and numbing the pain in between. Not getting too close to people but having an array of people to call on when misery needed company.
Now i had to be someone else. And it was hard to know the balance. Then later to realize that you can’t have one foot in your old life and the other in trying to be a functioning member of society. When I’d open up to people about feeling not good enough at this better life, they’d reassure me that I was doing so much better than most. I knew it couldn’t be true. Secretly I was taking out loans to survive, severely depressed, desperate for companionship, and angry at myself. And almost annoyed at the naiveness of their statements. Everyone has something boiling below the surface. Honestly the comparison to others wouldn’t make me feel better. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t still want to be alive at this point.
Ive been on five medications over the last four years and have been met with shallow advice about exercise and mom meet ups from medical professionals. Most of my friend choices in my life were made by our misery and laughter about it. Which makes most people uncomfortable in my experience.
Until about June everyone I opened up to and leaned on for support and visa versa, had humiliated me and talked down to me. Talking to my partner was like desperately screaming for help into a black hole. No one and no thing could fill the void inside me so it was futile to ask or speak. I’d lie awake at night retracing the steps of my life wondering where I went wrong. Desperately working and focusing on projects as a new form of escapism. Hoping that it’d change the value i saw in myself. Yet still I’d break down every couple of days just wanting to shut off my brain for the final time.
Eventually my luck ran out. I had ran my resources dry of borrowing and paying back loans. I was working 6-7 days a week and couldn’t pay my bills. Then my panic attacks worsened. I stopped answering voicemails from clients and cancelling appointments. It felt like all my work had turned to trash and I couldn’t get it together. I felt the weight crushing down. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted a vacation even. Anything. But I couldn’t stop working because the financial stakes were too high.
After crying all day on my day off one week, I text the owner compulsively saying I was giving my notice at the salon. It was hard to be around clients and not break down by the simple asking of my day. I was miserable. I was severely depressed and running out of steam.
I havent even directly mentioned my son. And that’s a hard thing for me to even think about. Let alone discuss. The feelings of failure and guilt. Just recently he was diagnosed with Autism, learning and speech disabilities. I couldn’t even pay my own bills, let alone $1200/month for speech therapists. So I kept applying for preschools and a week before school started he got accepted to a new school 25 minutes away from where we lived. The idea was to get him in DISD with a diagnosis so from there we could hopefully get him a scholarship to a better private or charter school next year. So far things are on track. It’s just so saddening to not be able to talk or communicate with your child. And to imagine his future if things don’t change for him. My heart is completely broken. Life is hard enough without disability. It’s also just hard to have a relationship with someone you can’t seem to have any depth of communication with. I love him so much but he hardly wants to be touched most of the time.
i just wanted so much better for him. I wanted him to want a future that would be attainable for himself.
Things have definitely gotten worse as of late. Finances and depression, I mean. I’ve given up on a lot of fantasies for a different life. I’ve given up on the idea that someone would save me from all this. Which honestly I think is a good thing but for a couple years those fantasies were all that I had to make me hopeful.
I keep trying though. I keep working. Having panic attacks. I work out 5 times a week with no results. I’m about a month out at catching up on immediate bills. I still don’t know goal wise what will make me happy but with things in such chaos it’s easy to be distracted. I think the hard part of finding a reason to live is having a complete hatred for humanity. And the shallowness of existence. But sometimes ... I enjoy Mexican food.