Overall my biggest concern growing up was to have an exciting and eventful life. Looking back I don’t regret anything. Sure I could be less damaged and more financially stable but I’d be boring. No one likes boring. Except mentally stable people, I suppose.
So throughout elementary school, I was a pretty big brat. I wasn’t nice to girls I didn’t like. When I entered intermediate school and started going through my 20 year awkward phase I wasn’t surprised to have the tables turned. One of my good friends, Krystal, suddenly didn’t like me anymore. It came out of the blue one day on the bus and she had someone else tell me she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Then no one liked me anymore. I had some friends but didn’t have classes with them. It felt like karma so I took it in stride. Well as much stride as 9 year old has.
In middle school, the same girls that didn’t like me were in ALL of my classes due to Athletics. I still played basketball. So did they. That’s how I knew them. But I stopped trying as hard as to not gain attention to not get further bullied. Just kept to myself. I went through so much self doubt. I couldn’t even make eye contact with people. It was painful to walk through the halls with so much … fear that someone would harass me either sexually because middle school boys noticed my breasts or by girls making fun of me for...whatever reason they wanted to. I really cared what people thought of me to the point where I was paralyzed.
I had one good friend. One day in 5th grade… I think… I was sitting in class listening to the teacher but I kept hearing this murmur come from behind me. Finally I turned around and noticed it was the new girl talking. Her name was Amanda. She was different than all the other friends I had had up until this point. All my old friends were sweet and studious and very...rule abiding. With Amanda, she had an element of excitement. She always had gossip about somebody or something to say. Her life had so much more background that the people that I grew up with in this small rural town. We didn’t have many classes together in junior high but in 8th grade we got to hang out more. Her mom was laid back and more wild than my mom. I smoked my first cigarette with Amanda. I got high for the first time with Amanda. We also drank straight tequila after figuring out the On The Border margarita mix wasn’t alcoholic despite acting loopy. After we took a sip I noted that there was no way people really drank this stuff.
We spent the summer before high school going to church camp. Wearing thrift clothes. Listening to old No Doubt music in her bedroom. Annoying her brother and sister. We were definitely outcasts.Everyone referred to us as devil worshippers or goth. Which was fine but relatively far from the truth. We just loved making people uncomfortable with out presence I think. At the end of the summer she broke the news that she was moving a couple hours away to live with her aunt. I didn’t know who I was going to be friends with. We had gone through so many changes that summer, I couldn’t wait to go into high school with her by my side. Also jealous that she was getting away, not really understanding her situation at the time.