A pretty name and a plant. Seems like a common recipe for shop names these days. Jade & Clover is more than just a new shop located in Deep Ellum. They allow women with too much money to have a purpose for an hour, perfectly curating the right blend of succulent and cacti in a glass orb. Or jar. Or perhaps that is far beyond your creative reach. Don't worry. You can buy clothes that will make other's understand that your bohemian without the risk of ruining your manicure.
If by chance you're just a succulent enthusiast and not ready to fully dive into the yuppie desert attire, they have candles and books and things for your baby as well. All of which is priced for the people you'd expect to have nothing better to do with their money than pay 3xs as much to build a little cacti garden than gathering the materials yourself from thrift stores and home depo. The clothes there are of....great material. Beautiful design. But who in their right mind can spend $185 on a dress knowing that you'll probably spill something on it at some point. Or that's a normal person's car payment. How do we value things?
Maybe I'm bitter. Maybe today wasn't a good day. I don't like to be negative about anyone else's business model. But here I am right? So why? As I continued on my walk after leaving the store, I was going on to my mom about how I'll never be in a position to afford better things in life...if I continue down the road I'm on. Sure I've hit a new tax bracket but what's next? I've always dreamt of a partnership where you encourage each other to take risks and help develop business plans together. And really be each other's cheerleaders and allow each other to see things from other perspectives. In a relationship. Friendship. Whatever. I've never found a partnership. I've never ... had what the owner of 'Jade & Clover' must have. Encouragement and belief from those around you. Or maybe just a ... big bank loan. Ugh just recognizing that feeling makes me feel ...not good about my previous statements. I don't want to be jealous. There's enough achievement to go around right?
The conversation didn't end there. I went on to say that I don't think i'm appreciated for all that I can do and feel pigeon holed in romantic relationships as being a sexual object and motivational. I don't feel like i've ever been supported by men in the way that was necessary for those relationships to be balanced. I always tell myself, "I can get by with less. its okay." But here's the thing. I actually feel bitter. Usually I throw myself into these romantic daydream fantasies that distract my day to day life but never act on it. Lately I've found myself alone a lot and angry about not having my needs met emotionally. Never been being treated as an equal partner. I feel like i've just been a mother to rebellious young men that didn't want to grow up yet.
So where does that leave me? 28, single mother, bitter. It already feels like I've picked out my coffin, ya know? As I ended my walk, my mom was trying to tell me....this is just the life you chose and you'll have to stick it out. Whew...If you know me no one can tell me that I need to lay down and die. I'll die fighting for a better future. For happiness. I've lost it all so many times and came back better each time. I'm going to do whatever it takes to survive and I'm going to do it for me. I'm going to make myself happy and stop doing things hoping that it'll finally be good enough for them to love me or show me special attention for reasons other than sex. I am more than a sexual object. I want my son to know you have to treat women like queens or you'll be left with nothing. I want to teach him how to converse and about more than video games and drinking beer. All of this won't be in vain.